Fake Theme Park Halloween Interview

[warning]Fake Theme Park is a parody account that satirizes UK and US theme parks. This is a humorous article, and may not be entirely appropriate for younger readers or easily offended! [/warning]
By Michael Mander

“The happiest movie studio of magic on earth” boasts Fake Theme Park, a parody Twitter account of just about every theme park that’s ever existed.

Over 4500 jokes have been posted to the account, including: “Due to complaints, we will no longer feature Halloween mazes based on mental illness. This will not affect mazes based on stupidity.” (a satire of our recent Mazes based on mental illnesses article).

Murph Gantly, CEO of Fake Theme Park, answered a few of our Halloween questions:


How will the park be celebrating Halloween this year?

Everyone either knows or loves our Halloween Scream Nights, the most* intense** Halloween*** event**** on the planet*****. I personally design one maze based on whatever frightens me at the moment; this year it’s salmonella and raccoons. I also have one maze created by actual insane asylum inmates, but the result is usually just sad and not scary. We also turn off all the lights on the indoor rides, but that happens half the time anyway.

We also have strolling performers in costume, based on the scariest characters from Czech folklore and Henrik Ibsen plays. Our world-famous Studio Tour becomes the “Terror Tram,” where the driver just smashes into things. And to add to the overall sense of dread, 10% of all the food we sell is poisoned.

Are you hoping to compete with the bigger events?
There are no bigger events, but if you’re referring to Universal, Disney, Sea World, or Blackpool Pleasure Beach, then yes, I have a “friendly rivalry” with those parks where we “prank” each other and cause “catastrophic accidents.”

Do those other parks have a special area of costumed midgets, so that kids can be scared face-to-face? Or a magic show that involves actual Satanic practices? Or pumpkin carving where the pumpkins scream in agony?

And best of all, the park is free of corporate sponsorships, thanks to Organix Ever-Straight Brazilian Keratin Therapy Anti-Breakage Serum, which runs a brief 6-minute advert before each attraction. Guests in the VIP line get to hear it twice.

How does your park prevent invoking stigmas with its mazes?
First, we got rid of the maze called “Stigma”; seemed like the obvious choice. Also, we no longer have mazes where the characters are depicted as suffering from mental illness, which includes schizophrenia, multiple personality disorder, Beatlemania, “football fever,” and jazz hands. We make sure that all cackling murderers tell guests that it’s society that’s really to blame. And knife-wielding stalkers must loudly declare that the knives don’t control them and that they’re currently in therapy. Instead of “crazies,” we refer to characters as “criminal klutzes,” and instead of “psychopaths” we just say “Welsh.”
Will you use any cringe-inducing puns, such as “spooktacular,” in your marketing?
Yes, but not those overused ones. Our Halloween Scream Nights are “scare-tagious” and “spook-rageous.” You’ll get “fright-ified” by the “ghostalicious” “creeptonic” “ghoulophony.” And don’t try “escapriate” or you’ll be “hauntcursedeathhellfiredoomed”! Also, the Park Princesses become “Zombie Sluts.”